some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
ok first of all what the fuck
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
