God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
