he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
