Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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