Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
are you so shy because you have an std?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
