i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
