A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
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