I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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