I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
