have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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