Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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