My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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