she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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