Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
