i would punch a child for taco bell
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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