Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
