i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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