Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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