last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
