Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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