I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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