mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
