Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
