Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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