Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
