haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
