You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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