Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
