Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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