I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
