sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
