So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
