Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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