how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have feelings that need drinking.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
