I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
