i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
