I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize