I need help removing her.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
