I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
