There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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