i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
