I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
