So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
