Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
