**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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