you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
