I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
