We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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