grandma shit on top of the toilet
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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