i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
