I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
