the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I didn't notice because vodka
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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