based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
