it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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