Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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