plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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