Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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