I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
