I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
