new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
