I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize