She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
