I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My cat gives me a boner
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
